The ballad of a sexually frustrated bear named susan

Dear patrons of our island nation,
I bid you heed this brief oration,
For though this story may sound audacious,
And, I fear, a tad salacious,

Believe me for I do speak the truth,
And so can't help but sound uncouth,
For even a geisha would deplore,
The antics of this herbivore,

So please accept my grave regret,
On behalf of this degenerate,
For ne'er was there a creature more prurient,
Than this panda bear from farthest orient.

But before we begin, I must briefly explain,
Something about our protagonists name,
Being of a western sensitivity,
I'm sure you all share my slight proclivity,

Towards names that are a little homier,
It's not an issue of xenophobia!
And to save us sll confusion
And renamed our panda maiden Susan.

So lets travel now to Bankok zoo,
to meet this panda engenu,
Siting on her grand behind,
In a maudlin state of mind,

For to young Susan's deep dismay,
Tomorrow is her wedding day,
Now I hear you cry, all aghast,
What's made this panda so downcast?

For what's the point in a lady's life,
If not to be a faithful wife?
Why all girls dream of that felicity,
which comes from wedded domesticity!

But No, during her pubescent years,
Our Sue's dreamt up some queer ideas,
About her pre decided fate,
The enviable marriage state.

She's certain that it's not for her,
So Now sits sobbing through thick fur.

'oh golly gosh' she wails aloud.
' I do so want to make mum proud,
But I wish there were some other method,
That did not mean that i was tethered,
Forever to some oafish bear,
Who only wants to sit and stare,
Blankly into outer space,
With bamboo sticking out his face.

I surely will be driven mad
Being hitched to such a lazy cad.
And let's not forget my endless duties,
Such as scaling bloody great bamboo trees.

Or standing vigil in the loo,
To commemorate his every poo.
I mean what girl would in her right mind,
Dream of wiping an unclean behind?'

I am sure that there is more to life,
Than being some fat gits doltish wife!

'But all of this,' young Susan sighed,
I would most dutifully abide,
If it wasn't for the fact
That I shall die Hymen intact.'

Not once to feel what it's like to be kissed,
Never to know some midnight trist,
Never to feel the trembling stir,
As a paw gropes through your underfur.

'Gosh i'd bear all subjugation,
If it meant one blissful copulation,
But alas it seems that I'm ill fated,
never to be tittilated.'

And Sue's not wrong for it is well known
That pandas lack testerone,
And pampered males reared in captivity,
Are notorious for their flaccidity,

And so it seems that to Sue's sorrow,
She'll wed a eunuch on the morrow.

But wait! For there's a plan in motion,
To hinder marital devotion.
Something's swinging through the trees,
and peering out through parted leaves,

Some hairy harbinger of fate,
Some serendipitous primate!

As sue sits snivelling on the ground,
When from outside comes a rustling sound,
Betwixt the trees appears the shape,
Of a squat and hairy naked ape!

'Oh lord,' sue screamed, 'what devilry,'
, he'll surely have his way with me.
For as well as being so awfully smelly,
All apes are known to be Machiavelli.

'I wouldn't shout if I were you!
Ape said,
'Or you'll wake up the whole bloody zoo.'

And trust me it is in your interest,
To treat me as your honoured guest
Besides, I'm not. some ape you know,
I'm a bonking, bi ped bonobo.'

Now for the dullites who aren't quite sure,
Where they've heard that word before.
Let me jog your memory,
About this breed of chimpanzee.

Bonobos are most widely known,
For their constant need to bone.
Indeed it seems their never sated,
However much they're penetrated.

These apes derive such jois de vivrA
From a woman's wetted beaver

But returning now to bankok zoo,
Where we've left poor frightened sue,
Quivering upon the floor,
Her eyes wrapped Shut behind her paw.

'Now listen miss.' The monkey whispered,
'Correct me now if I have misheard,
But I think you're looking to escape,
Well I am in a similar scrape.

I too am eager to be free
To be master of my destiny

'For in truth' he sighed and picked at his fluff.
In truth I have had quite enough.
A lifetime of group masturbation,
I am desperate for an education.

I long to use my opposable thumbs,
For something more than just sticking up bums.
And just once I'd like to take a wee dumpy
Without my brother trying to hump me

So listen miss get off your lorels,
And for the moment forget your morels,
For if we are clever and expedient,
I've got a plan that is so deviant,
That tomorrow by the break of day,
You'll jilt that lard arsed fiancé.

Now knowing what we do of Susan,
I'm sure you've guessed this yarns conclusion.
So I needn't share the nit and grit.
Of this next disgusting bit.

Suffice to say, as dawn was breaking,
Before the animals were waking,
Some poor and unsuspecting ranger,
Was strolling in to mortal danger.

The sweet young maid, we'll call her Beverley,
Was going about her work quite merrily,
When, having bathed the salamanders,
The time arrived to brush the pandas,

I can scarcely imagine poor Beverley's shock,
As she twisted the key around in the lock.
When suddenly, from nowhere, there flew the air,
This gargantuan blob of monochrome hair.
And before Bev could shout out 'help help quelle domage,'
The blob had crash landed upon her visage.

And Just like that, she was dead,, engulfed in a crevice,
That was roughly the same size and length as Ben Nevis.
And I'm so loathe to tell you, poor Bev gasped her last
whilst being subsumed by Sue's vast gaping arse.

Now in blighty we know that for such a crime,
These felons would sure serve some pretty hard time,
Indeed I should think this promiscuous bear,
Would surely end up in the chair.

But sadly no for we're in Bankok,
Where flagrant crims can run amock.
So after their little killing spree,
These feral fiends managed to flee

In down town Bankok, they can be found,
Amongst fugitives of high renowned,
These days they run a joint franchise,
Of considerable wealth and size.

Asia's first bear love hotels,
For It seems that beastial sex sells.
Monkey deals with calls and booking,
Whilst Susan handles most of the hooking.

An agreement with which they are both thrilled,
Being intellectually and sexually fulfilled.

But enough about these lurid pets,
Who should be newted at the vets.
I hope by now its slowly dawning,
That this fable is a grievous warning.

I'm sure that you will all Agree,
That Britain is a great country,
unfettered by such degradation,
Despite the threat from immigration.

So parents! Lets keep Britannia well refined,
And Censor your young infants mind.
Lest they catch some grave depravity,
From some wicked nationality

So Please, however much your kids are bored,
I beg you, never holiday abroad,
And for heavens sake, whatever you do,
Never, ever take them to the zoo.