The Ballad Of Leserley...

I welcome all you strangers here, And bid you all to lend an ear,
For I have a story to unfold,
That will leave your very bosoms cold.

But dear ladies and gents, a word to the wise, I’d make sure you've clamped shut your thighs, For this could make a hooker woozy,
To hear the antics of this floozy.

So lets traverse the years annals, To contemplate the genitals
Of a tender youth named Leserley. Her unbefore told tragedy.

Our scene is set in Victorian Surrey,
Where first we meet sweet Les in a bit of a flurry, For here she is, mid way through her teens, With a burgeoning bosom and a head full of dreams. For tonight is the night of her coming out party, Her first opportunity to dress up all tarty!

Tonight is the start of the rest of her life, Her first step to becoming a mother and wife. Now being a polite and well reared young lady, Les isn’t quite sure how one makes a baby.

She has a fairly fuzzy inkling,
That it’s something akin to pooing or tinkling.
An aunt of hers once,
A notorious soak,
Mumbled something about her needing a poke. And when dear les asked where she wanted the prod, The batty old woman just grabbed hold of her twod!

So from these scraps she’s overheard,
Our quick witted damsel has shrewdly inferred, That it’s something to do with what can be found Nestled betwixt her furry mound.
But up until now she gave little reflection.
To what else she might do with that Cherry Confection.

And had but fates hand to her been more kind, She might have remained thus utterly blind To all the world’s most sinful leisures, Those night time, taboo, basest pleasures.

But destiny’s plans were already afoot,

To leave poor Les’s virginity completely caput!.

But Unaware of what is coming,
Poor Leserley just stands in her bathroom humming. Dreaming of a hot prince charming,
When something happens most alarming...

Right in the midst of brushing her teeth, There came a rumble from beneath A mumbling through her petticoat,
A deep foreboding basey note.

“Good Lord” Cried Les “Oh what a to do,
I must be in need of a nervous poo.”
But when she lifted her skirts to sit on the bog The growls that came forth did leave her agog.

“That doesn’t sound like it comes from my bum,” Said Les,
“But from the hole just under my tum.”
And what happened next left her quite dumbfounded, For out from her Gusset the words resounded,

“Look here you frigid silly tart! The voice you hear now is not a fart, It’s about bloody time you listen to me, For I’m your one and only Fanny!”

“Oh Lord” gasped Les “What can this be? There must be something wrong with me, I must have slipped and banged my head Oh that’s filled me with the utter dread.”

“No my dear, you are not concussed, Don’t look at me with such disgust!

I’m the one who should be insulted, For in your pants you’ve kept me vaulted. Away from any natural light
Out of mind and out of sight

Not once have you paid me any heed, Or taken me out to have a feed.
I have been the most miserable loner. Ne’er meeting a single, solitary boner!”

Now as you might guess,
This left our heroine in a state of distress, And just as she peeled herself from the floor, There came a rap rapping at the door,

“Leser dear” her mother beckoned, “You best come down in just a second Your guests are here and ready to party, All well to do members of the glitterati.”

“Oh Cripes!” said Les “I’ll be right down!” Then looked round the room with a terrible frown. “Oh Gosh I am in quite a bind,
If they here my flange talk they’ll be really unkind.”

Then fast thinking Leser, quick as a flash, shoved down some loo roll To stifle her gash.

Ignoring the moans of protestation,
That arose from the lips of her furry crustation.

Leserley appeared on the stairs in virginal white, A truly buxom, pretty sight.
Her suitors remarked “How bonnie, how fair, What loverly lips, what loverly hair”

And in amidst these adoring peers,
Les clean forgot her earlier fears,
She giggled and danced and tittered and blushed, And for the time being her fufu stayed hushed.

Till one fateful moment as she waltzed round the floor, Her Vagina shouted,

“YOU BLOODY GREAT WHORE!! You gonna marry this ugly lout?
He don’t even know what bonkings about!

I bet you girl, this room full of wooses. Don’t even know what a clitoris is!”

The hall stood silent, their eyes all on stalks,
The amuse bouche drooping at the end of their forks. One Scot muttered, “Miss I do beg your pardon. But there appears to be a gremlin up your lady garden.”

“It isn’t a gremlin,’ sobbed Les, “It’s my chuff And she seems to be in the most terrible huff”

“Wouldn’t you be?” Her Vag replied, “How would you feel if you were forced to abide An entire life of ceaseless purgation? Aside from the odd bit of masturbation?’

“How dare ye Madam!” The old Scot did bark “I am strongly affronted by such a remark Implying we are all inferior lovers,
When I for one am cracking between the covers”

“You clearly can’t tell your arse from your tit,” Scoffed the muff,
“You're such an octogenarian old git.”

“I’ll take that as a gauntlet laid!’”said he “Such a blow to my ego must needs be repaid!”

And at this there was a great commotion, As the man lunged at the clunge with unswerving devotion.

“I’m going to give ye the hump of your life,” said he, “Then I shall take thee for a wife”

But alas for this daring OAP,
Their wedding day was ne’er to be.
For after hours and hours of ceaseless rutting, The poor old gents eyelids started shutting.

“Bloody hell madam!” the Gentleman cursed, Your Wendy has an unquenchable thirst. It’s attitude is positively hateful,
I should say it should be bloody grateful.”

At this the man turned to march out the door, Then on reflection turned back for one more, “I cannee think of anything fouler, Than a feminist, baritone, talking Growler!”

Now I know you must be worried thinking,

That our Leser’s social standings sinking. And you’re right to fret for I cannot dispute. That she wound up in a house of ill repute.

But before you should shed any tears Let me just abet your fears.
Our Leser became a whore for sure!
I mean her knickers were barely off the floor!

But she wasn’t just some thrupenny wench, Giving hand jobs out on a Hyde park bench. Oh no! Her fanny received such notoriety, That she was quite the scenester in high society.

Gentleman traveled from far and wide,

To give our Leser a good old ride.
And oh my! Our girl found great enjoyment, In her hourly employment.

There in a garret of top end tarts, Amongst hordes of glutted private parts, Did Leser and her undercarriage, Escape the drear of a loveless marriage.

And thus at last did the prattling cease, Rumbling from her gammon crease.

But before you go, on this reflect, That your Labias too command respect. Don’t keep your fannies under rapse Until your pelvic floors collapse!

For truly girls, what gift is finer? Than your beautiful, multi faceted Vagina?